Safety Christmas!!!

Hello you little fucking Elves!

This Christmas I would like to remind you all of the real reason we celebrate each year....safety.

This time of year the telly is filled with advertising campaigns deterring us from pretty much everything, from drink driving, Icy roads, Loan sharks and even leaving a Christmas night light on for your sprog. “Do you want to melt your first born child’s face off? Well do you?” The reason not to do these things can become lost in all the excitement of receiving the new Hollyoaks calendar and rubbing one out over your favourite McQueen sister, but least we forget, a minute of fun could lead to a lifetime of misery. This is why I have assembled my top ten tips for staying safe this Yuletide season. Please enjoy and remember..................

A Safe Christmas is a Happy Christmas! X

10. When buying a new Hunting knife for your cousin or younger brother, use the unemployedazoid scale of Age to Inch... for example 4 year old cousin Timmy can have a 4inch blade. 11 year old younger brother Andrew can have a small machete, but your sisters new born will have to wait as anything under 2inches just aint worth it hey ladies!? Haha aah knives.

9. When lighting the pudding try not to point the lighter and can of lynx directly at grannies face, besides upsetting her you might burn off her whole boat.

8. Putting up Xmas lights? “Not on that rickety old ladder you're not! Now put on these stilts clumsy!”

7. Try to avoid evil thoughts like punching babies in the face or shitting in the middle of the living room during the Queens speech, these things will almost certainly put a downer on the day for everyone else. Not to mention the health risks.

6. Remember Christmas 91’ that game of charades when you did Karate Kid? Aunty Brenda still hasn’t got the sight back in her right eye so pick a film with less movement, Schindlers List maybe or Glitter.

5. Dressing as ‘Old Saint Nick’ is a great disguise for paedophiles so make sure to ask in a clear and loud voice before letting young Suzy sit on his lap, “ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE.” If the answer is yes, stay and supervise to assure there is no funny business.

4. Christmas is a time for all, even the Taliban like a slice of turkey! However if you do have any Muslim extremist friends over do ask them to kindly leave their bombs at home. Contrary to popular belief bombs are quite dangerous.

3. Drink responsibly, however if you can’t manage this when you are completely fucking smashed try your very best not to die.

2. Any board game can get competitive but violence never solves anything....... Apart from who is overall winner so if necessary get tooled up.

1. Dads, if you insist on dressing up as Father Christmas don’t forget to tell the wife. There is little more traumatising for the kids than waking up to see Daddy being beaten to within an inch of his life by Mummy with a teefal wok. Not only will it hurt but your kids will think you're an utter pussy for getting beaten up by a girl.

So there you have it, I hope these wise perls help you over this difficult time. If you found them useless then I hope you choke on a sprout.

Zoid. x

Mark Durden Smith... (Demon Spawn)

Mark Durden Smith

Twat Update.

Who the fuck does this absolute tit rag think he is!? Get off my telly you snooty overgrown quire boy before I ring your mother and tell her what a naughty bastard you’ve been.

Really does anyone actually like this wanker? He’s so condescending each time he appears on my goggle box I feel like I’ve been pulled over by police for a traffic offence, and it brings the same kind of dread. How can this antichrist have fallen from such a beacon of hope as his wonderful mother Judith Chalmers? Sweet Judith showing us all the holiday destinations we’ll never see with a friendly “wish you were here!” It’s like the British version of devil’s advocate but at least in that Keanu Reeves didn’t want to be the son of Beelzebub. Mark seems more than happy to bath in tubs of demon semen until his eyes glow red and he grows trotters. I keep half expecting “This Morning” to come back from commercials to show a satanic ritual of him sacrificing Holly Willoghby to his dad. Is she naked and strung up..... possibly..... I imagine so... makes sense. Anyway if that did happen Gino D'acampo would pull out his crucifix shaped Italian love truncheon and fuck Markelzebub back to hell while Phillip cowered in the corner like a little scared kitten, I’m sure of that.


Oh yeah and Kerry Katona can fuck right off too.

MORE LIKE RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES BRITAIN!!!!

PHWOOAAARRR!!

The Unemploidazoid 2 (Return of the Slack)

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I'm Engaged!!!

Ok,

So I’ve been back at work now for a while, back doing what God intended for me and making sure people have personal accident, legal and breakdown cover on their car insurance policies. “Oh you don’t have PA cover Mrs Jones? Did you know your kids aren’t covered if they're injured in an accident?” If unable to use sex to sell, go with guilt.

Much as it is difficult for me to drag myself away from the next inevitable beep that will introduce me to another motorist in desperate need of my help, even the Lord himself needs to lay some cable now and again. To be honest a dump at work is something of a blessing from above, even if that above is just above my sphincter. Let’s get it right I hate my job, any excuse to take off that retarded headset and retire for a moment from those faceless voices is fine with me. In fact if I came in one morning and was greeted buy my boss saying “morning James got a choice for you today you can either work as normal on the phones or you can take an 8 hour dump, what’ll it be?” I’d probably grab a paper and hit the bogs. Unfortunately this has never and probably will never happen so my toilet trip today will be the highlight; I’ll take my phone maybe fire off a few texts and earn a penny while spending one. At work there is no men’s toilet on the floor I work on so I have the choice of going up or down, Judging on what time of day it is I may try to work out which will smell less of rancid shit and go with that.

So arriving in the toilet it’s empty and silent, a blessed utopia of calm, the automatic air freshener dispenses a whiff of floral delight as if it’s been expecting me. I take my usual cubical and there’s not even a speck of piss on the seat.....bliss. I Drop trousers and relax.

Now I’m midway through the match and miles away from the shitty world of Hastings Direct rip-off car insurance when to my horror some utter cunt goes and tries the door!? I’m shocked upright on my throne and sit in disbelief as this fucking bumtard has the nerve to try it a second time, and then a third!!? “Someone in here!” I felt obliged to shout. For Christ sake there is a red engaged sign on the door that clearly means a bloke is in this toilet? He might be having a crap, he could be treating himself to a sit-down piss, and he might even be bashing one out. Any of these sacred rituals has now been ruined buy this selfish door shoving horrid inpatient scrotum of a man. To add insult to this I then hear this arse-piece promptly turn and walk out the door!? I can only hope that on his way home he decides to ignore a red traffic man when crossing the road and is sent flying through the air landing on his stupid poo interrupting head smashing it to bits. I now have to go back to work with this complete twat-faced door rattler messing up my whole day as if working in telesales wasn’t bad enough, thanks mate thanks very much.

Zoid.

Look at me mummy!

Alright skid marks!

I gone and got meself one dem new fangled laptops I av, so as I might put up some more blogs soon bout all the funny things I do and see.

speak soon nobody. x

Hook Line and Sinker

Afternoon,

My mum swears by these omega 3 fish tablets, she told me they are good for my brain but all I've noticed really is a slight fishy taste in my mouth If I burp after taking one? Maybe I just haven't been taking enough of them but I can only imagine If they became a habit I'd just smell like a fishmonger, all be it a fishmonger with a good brain. Which makes me wonder if there is an underground world of super genius people that wont dare come to the surface for fear of being mocked for their fishy breath. Who knows they might be planing an attack as I write. Is it that crazy to think that Stephen Hawkins fella is their leader and head spy, and he only gets away with it cos he speaks through a computer? I mean can anyone actually vouch for smelling Stephens breath? And that wheelchair reeks of "I was raised in an underground maze of sewer pipes" does it not? I could be wrong but it makes you think dunit?

Bit fishy.