Hello you little fucking Elves!
This Christmas I would like to remind you all of the real reason we celebrate each year....safety.
This time of year the telly is filled with advertising campaigns deterring us from pretty much everything, from drink driving, Icy roads, Loan sharks and even leaving a Christmas night light on for your sprog. “Do you want to melt your first born child’s face off? Well do you?” The reason not to do these things can become lost in all the excitement of receiving the new Hollyoaks calendar and rubbing one out over your favourite McQueen sister, but least we forget, a minute of fun could lead to a lifetime of misery. This is why I have assembled my top ten tips for staying safe this Yuletide season. Please enjoy and remember..................
This Christmas I would like to remind you all of the real reason we celebrate each year....safety.
This time of year the telly is filled with advertising campaigns deterring us from pretty much everything, from drink driving, Icy roads, Loan sharks and even leaving a Christmas night light on for your sprog. “Do you want to melt your first born child’s face off? Well do you?” The reason not to do these things can become lost in all the excitement of receiving the new Hollyoaks calendar and rubbing one out over your favourite McQueen sister, but least we forget, a minute of fun could lead to a lifetime of misery. This is why I have assembled my top ten tips for staying safe this Yuletide season. Please enjoy and remember..................
A Safe Christmas is a Happy Christmas! X
10. When buying a new Hunting knife for your cousin or younger brother, use the unemployedazoid scale of Age to Inch... for example 4 year old cousin Timmy can have a 4inch blade. 11 year old younger brother Andrew can have a small machete, but your sisters new born will have to wait as anything under 2inches just aint worth it hey ladies!? Haha aah knives.
9. When lighting the pudding try not to point the lighter and can of lynx directly at grannies face, besides upsetting her you might burn off her whole boat.
8. Putting up Xmas lights? “Not on that rickety old ladder you're not! Now put on these stilts clumsy!”
7. Try to avoid evil thoughts like punching babies in the face or shitting in the middle of the living room during the Queens speech, these things will almost certainly put a downer on the day for everyone else. Not to mention the health risks.
6. Remember Christmas 91’ that game of charades when you did Karate Kid? Aunty Brenda still hasn’t got the sight back in her right eye so pick a film with less movement, Schindlers List maybe or Glitter.
5. Dressing as ‘Old Saint Nick’ is a great disguise for paedophiles so make sure to ask in a clear and loud voice before letting young Suzy sit on his lap, “ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE.” If the answer is yes, stay and supervise to assure there is no funny business.
4. Christmas is a time for all, even the Taliban like a slice of turkey! However if you do have any Muslim extremist friends over do ask them to kindly leave their bombs at home. Contrary to popular belief bombs are quite dangerous.
3. Drink responsibly, however if you can’t manage this when you are completely fucking smashed try your very best not to die.
2. Any board game can get competitive but violence never solves anything....... Apart from who is overall winner so if necessary get tooled up.
1. Dads, if you insist on dressing up as Father Christmas don’t forget to tell the wife. There is little more traumatising for the kids than waking up to see Daddy being beaten to within an inch of his life by Mummy with a teefal wok. Not only will it hurt but your kids will think you're an utter pussy for getting beaten up by a girl.
10. When buying a new Hunting knife for your cousin or younger brother, use the unemployedazoid scale of Age to Inch... for example 4 year old cousin Timmy can have a 4inch blade. 11 year old younger brother Andrew can have a small machete, but your sisters new born will have to wait as anything under 2inches just aint worth it hey ladies!? Haha aah knives.
9. When lighting the pudding try not to point the lighter and can of lynx directly at grannies face, besides upsetting her you might burn off her whole boat.
8. Putting up Xmas lights? “Not on that rickety old ladder you're not! Now put on these stilts clumsy!”
7. Try to avoid evil thoughts like punching babies in the face or shitting in the middle of the living room during the Queens speech, these things will almost certainly put a downer on the day for everyone else. Not to mention the health risks.
6. Remember Christmas 91’ that game of charades when you did Karate Kid? Aunty Brenda still hasn’t got the sight back in her right eye so pick a film with less movement, Schindlers List maybe or Glitter.
5. Dressing as ‘Old Saint Nick’ is a great disguise for paedophiles so make sure to ask in a clear and loud voice before letting young Suzy sit on his lap, “ARE YOU A PAEDOPHILE.” If the answer is yes, stay and supervise to assure there is no funny business.
4. Christmas is a time for all, even the Taliban like a slice of turkey! However if you do have any Muslim extremist friends over do ask them to kindly leave their bombs at home. Contrary to popular belief bombs are quite dangerous.
3. Drink responsibly, however if you can’t manage this when you are completely fucking smashed try your very best not to die.
2. Any board game can get competitive but violence never solves anything....... Apart from who is overall winner so if necessary get tooled up.
1. Dads, if you insist on dressing up as Father Christmas don’t forget to tell the wife. There is little more traumatising for the kids than waking up to see Daddy being beaten to within an inch of his life by Mummy with a teefal wok. Not only will it hurt but your kids will think you're an utter pussy for getting beaten up by a girl.
So there you have it, I hope these wise perls help you over this difficult time. If you found them useless then I hope you choke on a sprout.
Zoid. x
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