So I hear that the cost of rail travel is going up again!?
Now this really is disappointing because I can barely imagine train journeys
becoming any more painful, bar the 17:23 to Brighton driving at full speed
directly into my rectum. Now I’m sure if you have ever had to use the train on
a regular basis you’re aware of its downfalls, one that tugs rather violently
on my gonads though is the trick whereby they slowly increase the amount of
time that a train is delayed by? I mean, I can understand if a train is running
late but in 2012 it can’t take a crew of Hadron Collider scientists to work out
when it’s gonna get to me? With every 2 minutes that are added every 2 minutes
I feel more and more like Michael Douglas in Falling Down ready to snap with
nowhere to direct my anger. So instead I look like even more of a daft prick
rolling my eyes and growling “fucking, fuck sake, shitty train bastards” under
my breath.
To make this worse
have you ever tried to ask one of the high vis wearing droids on the platform
for an accurate ETA on when your carriage of misery might pull into town? Their
efforts to avoid any eye contact would lead me to believe they think I’m some
kind of master of telepathy that could make their utterly boring and slightly balding
train loving heads explode if they held my stare for more than a split
second. Truth being if I did have those
powers I would not be getting a fucking train in the first place, I’d be at
home masturbating with no hands or levitating the cat over the bath. Even when
you get an answer they just tell you shit you already know like “Listen for the
next announcement”. Oh really!? I was about to put my ear down to the live rail
to see if I could work it out myself?
Now to me it’s obvious, I can see one big flaw in the
running of the trains. This is the fact that the people that work for the
trains get free travel on the most part, and
most of them have a better relationship with these bloody choo choo’s than
their own family. Ever notice how smug these ticket inspectors are? It’s
because this was their dream! They had a train set as a child and fantasized
about putting a tiny hole in your ticket when you and I were fantasizing about
the tiny hole between a girls belly button and her arse. They love it and that’s
what makes it all the more excruciating, our misery is their delight.
So in short trains and Southern Rail in particular can go
lick a live rail as far as I’m concerned, and I can only hope that it blows
them clear of the track cos I got places to be!
Zoid.
