Trains are Shit.

So I hear that the cost of rail travel is going up again!? Now this really is disappointing because I can barely imagine train journeys becoming any more painful, bar the 17:23 to Brighton driving at full speed directly into my rectum. Now I’m sure if you have ever had to use the train on a regular basis you’re aware of its downfalls, one that tugs rather violently on my gonads though is the trick whereby they slowly increase the amount of time that a train is delayed by? I mean, I can understand if a train is running late but in 2012 it can’t take a crew of Hadron Collider scientists to work out when it’s gonna get to me? With every 2 minutes that are added every 2 minutes I feel more and more like Michael Douglas in Falling Down ready to snap with nowhere to direct my anger. So instead I look like even more of a daft prick rolling my eyes and growling “fucking, fuck sake, shitty train bastards” under my breath.

 To make this worse have you ever tried to ask one of the high vis wearing droids on the platform for an accurate ETA on when your carriage of misery might pull into town? Their efforts to avoid any eye contact would lead me to believe they think I’m some kind of master of telepathy that could make their utterly boring and slightly balding train loving heads explode if they held my stare for more than a split second.  Truth being if I did have those powers I would not be getting a fucking train in the first place, I’d be at home masturbating with no hands or levitating the cat over the bath. Even when you get an answer they just tell you shit you already know like “Listen for the next announcement”. Oh really!? I was about to put my ear down to the live rail to see if I could work it out myself?

Now to me it’s obvious, I can see one big flaw in the running of the trains. This is the fact that the people that work for the trains get free travel on the most part, and most of them have a better relationship with these bloody choo choo’s than their own family. Ever notice how smug these ticket inspectors are? It’s because this was their dream! They had a train set as a child and fantasized about putting a tiny hole in your ticket when you and I were fantasizing about the tiny hole between a girls belly button and her arse. They love it and that’s what makes it all the more excruciating, our misery is their delight.      

So in short trains and Southern Rail in particular can go lick a live rail as far as I’m concerned, and I can only hope that it blows them clear of the track cos I got places to be!

Zoid.