Bonjour!!
Having just returned from the french alps of Morzine I would like to share with you my knowledge of 'Ski trip Etiquette' and how one should conduct themselves while on the slopes.
(et·i·quette)
The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.
Now I understand that the word itself may sound slightly french but I would find it hard to believe that it's origins lie there. This is because the majority of french people I encountered while on my trip could have seemed more polite at times by just holding me down and breaking wind into my open mouth. For this reason I have come up with my own set of rules for us Brits when out on the slopes.
1. Right of way
Now although technically the mountain range is referred to as the 'French' Alps it is almost 100% fact that they would be called 'Hitlers Humps' If it wasn't for our grandfathers so that means we can basically call them ours. This also means we ultimately have right of way not only over your average french skier but also over the elderly and worst of all the 'Ski School' (Little bastards on ski's endlessly snaking across the mountain and getting in your way). If you are hurtling towards any of these feel free to sing Rule Britannia as loudly as humanly possible to let them know your coming, or if you're feeling sneaky just barrel into them without warning but be sure to land on top of them as you don't want to go home with any unsightly bruising. Look at them like moving crash mats if you will.
2. The lift ques
There is a reason god gave you elbows.. use them in the lift ques.
3. On the lift
Now no one wants to be stuck on a lift just you and a bunch of frenchies so if you're at the front of the que just block your seat until the English outnumber the french on the lift. One young french lad and just you and your mates? If this is the case all light up on your ascent to the top, blow the smoke his way to make him feel at home. Notice the blue stains on his teeth from still breast feeding from his mama's vino filled teet, under no circumstances allow him off first at the top, your queen would frown upon it.
4. Eating on the piste
Hungry? Well after taking out that 78 year old ski bag and sending 3 ski school midgets over the edge you should be. So when ordering be sure to shout loudly in your worst french accent so they know you're making an effort. All order at once to test the waiters skills in English, he should be fluent because it is the best language in the world. If you do how ever know any other languages use them too to impress any passing snow bunny's. After the meal try to force out a deafening belch as in France it is a sign of respect and gratitude for your meal, farts are not but as the saying goes "better out than in" so they're fair game too. It's possible that dumb dumb will expect a tip for bringing you food and beer but don't be hasty. If you have followed the rules in this guide then your munch was almost certainly tainted and he should not be rewarded. Instead slam your Euros on the table and yell "bonjour fella" while pointing at them as you get up to leave.
I do hope these pointers help you out on your next trip to the snow and be sure to remember, you are representing your country so if you injure yourself badly enough to bleed make it count by drawing a Saint George flag in the snow. Beautiful x
Having just returned from the french alps of Morzine I would like to share with you my knowledge of 'Ski trip Etiquette' and how one should conduct themselves while on the slopes.
(et·i·quette)
The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.
Now I understand that the word itself may sound slightly french but I would find it hard to believe that it's origins lie there. This is because the majority of french people I encountered while on my trip could have seemed more polite at times by just holding me down and breaking wind into my open mouth. For this reason I have come up with my own set of rules for us Brits when out on the slopes.
1. Right of way
Now although technically the mountain range is referred to as the 'French' Alps it is almost 100% fact that they would be called 'Hitlers Humps' If it wasn't for our grandfathers so that means we can basically call them ours. This also means we ultimately have right of way not only over your average french skier but also over the elderly and worst of all the 'Ski School' (Little bastards on ski's endlessly snaking across the mountain and getting in your way). If you are hurtling towards any of these feel free to sing Rule Britannia as loudly as humanly possible to let them know your coming, or if you're feeling sneaky just barrel into them without warning but be sure to land on top of them as you don't want to go home with any unsightly bruising. Look at them like moving crash mats if you will.
2. The lift ques
There is a reason god gave you elbows.. use them in the lift ques.
3. On the lift
Now no one wants to be stuck on a lift just you and a bunch of frenchies so if you're at the front of the que just block your seat until the English outnumber the french on the lift. One young french lad and just you and your mates? If this is the case all light up on your ascent to the top, blow the smoke his way to make him feel at home. Notice the blue stains on his teeth from still breast feeding from his mama's vino filled teet, under no circumstances allow him off first at the top, your queen would frown upon it.
4. Eating on the piste
Hungry? Well after taking out that 78 year old ski bag and sending 3 ski school midgets over the edge you should be. So when ordering be sure to shout loudly in your worst french accent so they know you're making an effort. All order at once to test the waiters skills in English, he should be fluent because it is the best language in the world. If you do how ever know any other languages use them too to impress any passing snow bunny's. After the meal try to force out a deafening belch as in France it is a sign of respect and gratitude for your meal, farts are not but as the saying goes "better out than in" so they're fair game too. It's possible that dumb dumb will expect a tip for bringing you food and beer but don't be hasty. If you have followed the rules in this guide then your munch was almost certainly tainted and he should not be rewarded. Instead slam your Euros on the table and yell "bonjour fella" while pointing at them as you get up to leave.
I do hope these pointers help you out on your next trip to the snow and be sure to remember, you are representing your country so if you injure yourself badly enough to bleed make it count by drawing a Saint George flag in the snow. Beautiful x
No comments:
Post a Comment