TOP TEN

Yes,

we are now nearly half way through the year and if you asked me what kind of year it's been I'd say I've had shitter but it's not over yet. Here is a list of the top 10 shitty things that have happened in the first 6 months of 2010.

1 Lost all freelance work in the job I've been trying to progress in since my early twenties but seem unable to.

2 Bought a network rail card (fucking useless)

3 Lost £80 on rail ticket bought for excellent festival I was supposed to be playing but got canceled. No refunds given.

4 had an oyster.

5 Politics, Idiots, Election.

6 Got a job I thought I'd hate, turned out to be quite good at it just in time for the company to go into liquidation, still owed £750.

7 Littlehampton give go ahead to the construction of Europe's longest bench. (see above)

8 Extraction of black death tooth needed but must go on NHS Dental waiting list. A waiting list for pain that I have to pay for.

9 Signed on Jobseekers twice.

10 On long break with beautiful Girlfriend for being an utter loser.

This is definitely the worst post on this blog, so if you've read it feel free to add that to your top 10 of shitty stuff you've had happen to you in the first 6 months of 2010. Quickly though, you only have a couple of weeks left.

Expensive Tastes?

I like food, the other day I tried an oyster for the first time with my mate Tom. We had one each which came to £4.70, I gave the waitress a £5 note and said cheers don't worry about change. "Oh thanks, big spender!" came her response in a sarcastic tone. Maybe I should have informed her that I was a 27 year old unemployed man that lives with his parents, and even the fact I was wasting my money on her shells full of grim sea slop was a fucking miracle. I could have got a pint and some peanuts for that, or 4.7 Iceland Kebab pizzas (see above). Besides that oysters are pretty rank, maybe she expected more money for the advise she gave me to add a squeeze of lemon and chew it three times then swallow. Without that I may have stuck the lemon slice up my nose thrown the oyster over my shoulder and tried to forcibly insert the shell into my japs eye. Thanks.

Surprized by my own Stupidity.

Bonjour,

On my last stint in the Doll Que I used to fill out my application diary like a good little job seeker, 3 jobs a week to keep them happy. However one application I failed to make a record of, because it was possibly one of the most retarded things I have ever done. On my daily job search on the Internet I came across an add which stated "you can earn £350 a day reviewing websites!" I thought this sounded like a marvelous idea as I wouldn't even need to leave the computer let alone my house. I applied via e-mail to the address provided and received a very quick response informing me the websites I would need to review were of the Adult variety. Being quite a fan of porn in general this seemed like just another perk to an already super position.

I would be the Johnathan Ross of smut and my opinions would be read by porn enthusiasts far and wide. Continuing in my application the reply told me to go to one of the websites and subscribe for a "free" 3 day trial, write a review of my thoughts of the bone jumping on offer and submit it for their approval. Now at the point of typing in my debit card details, being that I was already unemployed and more skint than a tramp, alarm bells should have rung. Instead dreams of receiving awards for my gripping review of teeniespunkslurpers.com were too strong to overcome. On completion the online form I was bombarded with pop-ups for other sites and as my screen filled the thoughts faded until I was left with one. "what the fuck did I do that for?"

I had been done up like a kipper, a kipper with dreams of making £350 a week from reviewing people bumping uglies. As you can guess my account was soon robbed of the pitants within it and I had to go to the bank to explain what had happened. This was very frustrating being that they asked me all kinds of questions. As it turns out if you give over your card details it's not actually fraud? I know who'd thought it!? So after much skimming round the fact I had given my details on the promise of being paid to look at porn I settled with telling them my details had been stolen, just in time for the Hustlers to take all of my hard earned benefits out of my account. Of course I told the bank I wouldn't try to claim it back as I was sure I'd be hired for a new job soon, guarding a leprechauns pot of gold at the end of a fucking rainbow.

Felling Glum?

Greetings,

Feeling glum is terrible. I've felt quite glum for the past week or so, I'd say about an 8 out of 10 on the glumometer. There must be an end to this glumness soon otherwise I may stay glum forever, just imagine being in a state of uberglumness for all time? Of course I wont do that as it wouldn't be at all fun which is why I am going to become an estate agent instead.

The Jobseeker.

Hello.

I hated allot of the job's that I've done in the past, I once picked peppers for one and a half days. I only stayed the extra half a day to see if i could get anymore enjoyment out of the motorised trolly I scooted up and down the endless ailes of pepper plants on. I couldn't. It was hotter than Africa in that massive green house with a local radio station Spirit FM dripping out of some speakers like a rancid guff. But still at least there I new where I stood, be it not for very long.

So now for I think the 5th or 6th time I am again a "Jobseeker". Seeking out jobs wherever I rome... wait was that a job..... oh no it's just a rug. It's essential to stay alert as a jobseeker, you must also have skills in code breaking for the ones with power may test you.

The picture above is part of the letter I was sent by the all powerful Employatron aka Job Centre. It gives no explanation to why they don't want to give me money for my seeking this time but is very confusing being that they mention the same dates over and over...

I must now ring them for clues, a bit like Tom Hanks in the Devinci code but shitter.

When I had my back to unemployment interview on Monday the woman next to me was getting so much praise for attending a hairdressers course I felt like punching myself in the face and seeing what kind of verbal pat on the back that might get me. It's not that I feel above these people in any way but they are using up all the benefits for those of us that are completely capable of having jobs, we just don't like the ones we've had. To be honest finding a job worth doing through the job centre is about as likely as shitting a silver tea set without getting a bloody arse. My mate did a local job search on the "fisher price my first job touch screen computer" they have in all these hell holes now, and it brought up a tarot card reader in Manchester? Qualifications needed? Well I imagine seeing the future to be one, which is why I wont be booking the magabus.

Bike For Sale!

Alright?

I got this bike for sale cos I got no job and no money, I bought it when I had loads of money that I used to steal from an old job I had. It's Purple and has a flat tyre and I put a load of skateboard stickers on it. Also what is up with that saddle? The original Raleigh Chopper saddle was fine why did they change it? Plus it has gears which are rubbish.

any takers?

In the begining there was football.

Morning.

When I was about 14 I joined a local youth football team called Rustington Park Youth. Our best player was a striker that was almost completely deaf, and we all used to take the piss out of him because he had a funny voice that sounded like he had eaten a load of bees. Saying that, he was still ten times better than all of us put together. One Sunday we had a match against Wick Dynamos, this team was made up of pretty much all the lads at school that thought I was a total prick so I new I was in for a kicking. By this time our team was on a loosing run of about 8 games so winning was not top of the agenda, however being informed by our manager I would be playing up front I wanted nothing more than to score against my sworn enemies.

As I took to the pitch my Dad had come to watch and on the odd occasion I'd hear him shouting some generic football instructions at me of which I was too busy dodging two footed career enders to take any notice of. Coming off at half time my Dad told me I could have had about 6 penalties if I'd gone down in the box and that if they come at me again to take the fall and get the penalty.

At 90mins I hadn't fallen once, take that fuckers!

The score was Wick Dynamos 8 - Rustington Park Youth 0

I cant help but relate this to my job situation, I'd rather not go down. I suppose that's why I'm not a footballer.